Dear Future Lover: It is raining tonight, like this

26 Aug

Photo by Chewie2008 over at Flickr, All credits to him

Dear Future Love: It is raining tonight, like this that when you think about the rain you imagine a warm bed; you imagine me; and you imagine yourself neatly folding the pair of socks you used on that day to work. There is nothing grand nor magnificent about tonight’s rain, except only that I wish you were here.

You would tell me about water. The way leaves outside your window would glisten with dew drops spangling on the blade. The way the roof sounds even in these late hours a dragging and dancing of tiny feet, as tiny as pine tree needles which comb the metal roof. I would tell you about all the anatomy lessons I learned by staring at the strangers on the train. (There was a man sitting by the door, he had the softest looking goatee, I thought it was you. I wanted to say hello.) The prettiest girls are almost always those who were standing up, pensively counting the train posts. Those who were sitting down, with an old lady beside them, are always the ugliest. We would talk about the way I would fold my fists and tuck it in your arm at the promise of spending time with you at 2 in the morning. I would sit beside you, by the flicker of the television; the room would smell like coffee or tea or even something as uninviting as toasted garlic and lugaw or even Jolly Spaghetti. Anything to warm us on a night like this one.

Dear future love, it is raining tonight like this that I imagined you. I imagined only some parts of you. I suppose, in time, it can happen to anyone: a desire to walk out into the rain and look for that promise that someday a You will be here soon.

Dear future love, it is raining tonight. Let us stop being merciless to ourselves and so please show up on the office’s front door. You know where to find me.

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Dear Universe, please do not let this be a joke.

19 Aug

It scares me how happy I am today. It is like there is a joke waiting to be thrown at me by the universe because I am this happy.

photo by ms. Kimberly Palomar.

This is how happy I am: I trip over myself on the way to work, face down, knees against the pavement and all I did was smile. I have unblocked everyone I have blocked in Facebook and I am not the least bit bothered when I see them in the news feed. I am all happy that I have started working so early in the morning. I lost my phone the other day, in UP Diliman, but I was too busy smiling I could not even bother too much on being pissed.
I woke up really worried this morning, I contacted my family because I was worried. They are all right, safe and tucked in their beds when they got my message. After that, the contentment kicked in.
It is scary how happy I am today. It scares me because I feel selfish for being this happy. It feels as if I do not deserve to be this happy, which scares me because once you get this high on being happy, the descending flight would only be as high and as hurtful.
I am happy because of Sagada from last weekend. It is exactly what I needed in my life considering how bad the last few months had been.
Since June, I lost more than 7 pounds (without even doing some exercise), visited the hospital more times than I did last year, cried a grand total of 6 nights in a row (and other nights in between), got my heart broken 2 times in a row, held on to another secret, problems, problems and more problems. I was depressed that I actually suffered some form of deppression and Fibromyalgia.
Some random reasons I am happy today:
  • I saw my dear friend, Joy Camille, the other week (before I went to Sagada. It is surprising how much being around friends can heal you.
  • Sagada was magical, I tell you. I slept a grand total of 6 hours the entire weekend and I still had the sun shining from every pore of my body.
  • My favorite sister, that who is not my twin, is doing well in school. I feel so proud of this, her and us. She told me her angel’s name is Caramel. It is comforting how often we get to talk these days–considering she does not live with us.
  • My brother will be moving to a different job on Monday, which means I will get to see more of him. More dinners with him and Di, instead of lonely dinners in the company of my dog.
  • My favorite twin sister and I spent the weekend in Sagada and you know how that goes.
  • I have met a lot of cool people, from the Alpha Camera Club, all of them humbles me when I am in their presence. You should have seen the photos these guys take: humbling and brilliant, and will make you at a loss for words. Even something as simple as a pair of slippers will make you say: “HOLY WOW that IS BRILLIANT”
A friend of mine told me that this is a metaphor for a new life: That I should start weeding out the people in my life and make room for new ones who will do me some good.
I guess all I really wanted to say is that I am thankful. Thankful and scared that I am this happy. I do not want to refuse it, you take what is given to you and when it is this wonderful, you give thanks.(You know what this means, child, you are thankful so go to church.)
Perhaps I will pic spam in a few days. When I get their lovely photos.

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Happy Birthdays, Dress Shirts, Haircuts

23 Jul

“Happy thoughts for a change.” my friend would say. Here you go, happy thoughts!

I had a haircut, more of I gave myself a haircut the other week. I run the scissors across my hair and it was over in two snips. Last week was one of the bad weeks in the year. This week, however, is different.

Just a weatherman. It is my brother’s birthday yesterday. He turned 22, born 1988. He is my favorite person born that year. The next one being my friend Joy. This is his first birthday without my mother, I think we would have made our mother proud. So far. Little days like yesterday make me really thankful. They are the reason I do not check out of life just yet–despite a lot of things.

Click, click, saddle up. The other day, I met my friend Len for lunch. She gave me a bunch of clothes which she thought would look cute on me. This dress shirt is one of them. The coming days I plan on taking photos of the new things I got from her, because they are pretty and it would be such a waste if she never sees me wearing them. Len is very good at finding thrift finds. I want that talent. On top of this, she never gets fat OR her stomach never gets fat. How is that for gifted?

See you on the moon then. I miss a few people this week, journal. There is this boy, I used to talk to about politics (I bet sometimes he gets tired about hearing me rant about such things) and languages (the precision of nouns!), I miss him.

I was planning a trip to Sagada on the 12th and 13th but I can’t cause I remember having work that weekend. One of the best (if not the best) meteor shower for the year will be gracing the sky that night and I have work. Sagada would have been lovely: imagine a night sky without city lights. Oh well.

Happy thoughts for a change.

Dear Future Love, Please be as brilliant as my iTunes library

20 Jul

Dear Future Love: the order is simple, never tall, please be as brilliant and efficient and romantic as my current iTunes library.

My current iTunes music library is at 50-ish GB of music. This does not include bands which I refuse to listen to anymore (Crystal Castles!). I currently have an 8gb iPod and I obviously can not fit all of them in there. I have always been wondering how my friends would sync their music to their iPods considering that creating playlists would be the only way for them to get songs in my iPod. I wonder what they do assuming we share the exact same problem: a music library with too many songs and an iPod which can not hold all of it.

I know what you might think, future love: that these are middle-class woes and I need to stop thinking about it and proceed to worry about other things instead. Believe me, I have those other things covered. So just shut up and listen to me when I ask you to be like my current iTunes library.

So let me proceed on comparing my desired traits in a future love to my current iTunes library.

Dear Future Love, I want you to be efficient. I have recently discovered that iTunes let me pick not only playlists to be synced to my iPod but as well as artists and genres. How very efficient as I could just proceed on putting songs in my library without having to make playlists as I can just tick that tickbox to sync the new artist. I want you to be as efficient as this. I am the type of person which problems find attractive; roofs fall over my head, our house gets leaks among many other random things which happens to me. It is not that I am asking you to solve all of my problems, but just little ones. Find ways to make it easier for me to stop frustrating myself.

Dear Future Love, I want you to be brilliant. Currently, iTunes has what they call Genius Mixes. I currently have 4 Genius Mixes. Indie Rock Playlist, Lo-Fi Playlist, Pop Playlist, Electronic Playlist. What a genius this iTunes, no? iTunes also has iTunes U. I can learn about the world, or about varying topics in the world because of iTunes.  Future love, I want you to be more brilliant than I am. Brilliance is attractive and do not let other people tell you otherwise. Surprise people by it: be witty, offer quips, explain to me why words are used differently, beat me (sorely) in Words With Friends. I will like you more for it. Dazzle me with your wit.

Dear Future Love, I want you to be romantic. My iTunes library is filled with the sappiest of songs. Some of them I classify as Music for Mopey Romantics. It is just the way I am, future love. I am not particularly needy, all I want is a little love and attention, maybe some quality time. So please be romantic. Take me out on romantic dates, remember me on my birthday, tell me you love me through song, hold my hand and do not leave me when shit starts to happen (someone did and that is another story).

Dear Future Love, please be as efficient, brilliant, and romantic as my iTunes library.

With much love and patience to wait for you here (just here),

DK

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Run, Run, Run

19 Jul

My sister, the one raised in the sciences, gave it a name: that which can be found in a medical dictionary. Under depressions. Under P.
My sister, the one raised to calculate words, would say that it is an infinite sadness which walks in the shoes. Her words, not mine.
My brother, inspired by society, would say it can be likened to a mid-life crisis.
I would say that I am sad.

World-weary at (almost) 25 and here I am: a tattoo on my left arm, iron on my back, a song in my head, and hair I cut with kitchen scissors.

I didn't mean to look sad. For that, I apologize.

I cried too many times the last week alone: a rejection, a birthday, a forgetting, a preparation, a boy I once knew. One of them called me manipulative (how funny that he has managed to insult me and compliment me in one breath); the other would refuse to talk. I fold their names in prayers and wish (intently) for their happiness, as I am hoping they are wishing for mine.

Divide your sadness into four.

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